I-D-Clare WAR

Even I am afraid
of the judgment
that flows from
this pen like blood
apparently mightier
than I care
to admit

(self) righteous
indignation
not just(ice)
but it feels good

I slice the veil
tearing it to shreds
pulling aside the curtain

I feel the need to
expose it all
and myself in the process

But they're angry
inflammed

Did I expect them
to thank me
while I stare at
their naked shame
spotlighting their (my) limitations

No one told me though...
who judges the prophet
wielding the sword?

Do I sound bitter?

What will become of him
now
I've failed to make him
love me enough

My demands too great
so I must grieve
and suffer loss

The universe conspires
and tells me
I want for too much
I should see that
half a loaf is better
than no loaf at all

And I'm fairly confident
he'll find someone
who considers him
an incredible windfall

Perhaps - the filipino caregiver

I saw the t-shirt
worn with tongue
firmly planted in cheek
but it said
"Gold digger"
didn't it?

He'll be pleased
that not too much
is asked of him
besides his ability
to provide
come home
not stray

easy things for him
a passionless existence
getting what he paid for
iron clad guarantee and all

SMACK

These are all
baby cries
infantile baby cries

so stop with your noise
and self pity

GET ON WITH IT

Demented

I was shocked
when he called me
a prick
no one ever speaks
to me that way

I bristled
felt outraged
self righteous
how dare he

I brushed it off
you know
cut him some old guy
senility slack
when he mocked my gap toothed grin

But how could my affection
not grow
when he patted
my arm and muttered
"there's something
I like about you - I don't know what it is - but
I could just kiss you"

(watch out
cuz the old guy might
cop a feel too)

He's done it
more than once
making me wonder
how that ischemic and decayed
mass of gray matter
really works

truthfully
an undertow took him many years ago

Sometimes as I see
the tide rise and
the wave overtake him
a beast is unleashed

Can the two sides of the coin
be separated or reconciled
which one is a true reflection
of the soul

What will escape
when my time comes
if I don't flush out
flesh out
all the anger now

and will you be there
son of the father
to hold my hand
give me a kiss?

Slippers

After you left
I found them
even though
we did a final sweep
for any stray belongings

They were covered by
a pillow
tossed with the others off my bed
in a hurry

I thought how
you'd miss their warmth
around your toes
just as I'd miss
your embrace

Brown and leathery
molded
in the shape of you
paint speckled edges
evidence of your hard work

seeing them
they surprised me
everytime I wandered
over to the other side of the bed

their presence in my room
declaring your recent
temporary occupation
reminding me
yes
you'd really been here
in this bed
with me

And now for something completely different

I'm just feeling happy today
letting it seep all through me

It's just a beginning
but it will have to do

Battered

I cry
apparently about nothing

No one hit me
or beat me
or assaulted me
but I feel
all
that pain

fingering each pale
silvery stiff scar
and remember each bruise
like an old friend

I push into the purple heart
to see if it
still smarts
or if the ache is fading

I find I have injuries
in various stages of healing

My sister says
muscle has memory

So
what is it
the left side of my body
re-collects
as I lay
like a corpse
in an attempt
to let it all fall away

Alternate Sunday School

I flip the pages of my thesaurus
some wrinkled and warped
by water damage
(a bit like me)
useful as they may be
battered

as if it was
a Bible, some holy script
sacred and secret
holding an answer

one word the lever
to my understanding

I try to apprehend it all
as if by describing
and delineating
I could bring about
healing

This is what they thought
those of jung and freud
and gestalt

What did
they know?

Seems I'm left
to figure it out
on my own

pen in hand